Are You Actually in Love? Or Just Anxiously Attached?
Here is how to tell the difference between your anxious attachment playing tricks on your mind, and the feeling of love.
You think about them all the time. You feel an intense pull toward them, like they’re the one person who can make you feel whole. The thought of losing them makes your stomach drop, and when they pull away, you panic.
It must be love, right? Not necessarily.
If you have anxious attachment, what you’re feeling might not be love, it might be attachment anxiety. And while the two can feel almost identical, they come from very different places.
So how do you tell the difference? Let’s break it down.
Love Feels Safe. Anxious Attachment Feels Like Survival.
Real love feels secure, warm, and steady. It enhances your life, but it doesn’t make you feel like you need it just to feel okay.
Anxious attachment, on the other hand, feels like life or death. You feel an overwhelming fear of losing them, and you constantly worry about whether they love you as much as you love them. Their attention soothes you, but their distance sends you into panic.
It’s not that you’re choosing to be this way. It’s that your nervous system has been trained to see love as something that can be lost at any moment.
This is why the highs and lows of an anxious-avoidant relationship feel so intense. It’s not love, it’s your fight-or-flight system keeping you on high alert.
Do You Love Them or Do You Love How They Make You Feel?
One of the biggest signs you’re dealing with anxious attachment rather than love is that your focus isn’t actually on who they are as a person, it’s on how they make you feel.
Do you love their character, values, and how they show up for you consistently? Or do you love the relief you feel when they finally give you attention?
Do you admire them as a partner?
Or are you chasing their validation to prove your own worth?
When you’re anxiously attached, what feels like love is often just the deep need to feel chosen. And when someone is inconsistent, the moments when they do choose you feel so powerful that you mistake them for something special.
Love Grows Over Time. Anxious Attachment Feels Immediate.
Real love builds gradually. It’s based on deep connection, shared values, and the actual relationship you have in the present.
Anxious attachment, however, feels like an instant addiction. You feel attached way too soon, even before truly knowing them. You start fantasizing about a future with them after just a few interactions. You feel intensely connected, even when the relationship is full of red flags.
This is because anxious attachment isn’t just about them, it’s about what they represent to you. They’re the person you’ve pinned your hopes on, the one who will finally make you feel safe and wanted. But real safety and love don’t come from someone else. They come from within you.
Anxious Attachment Feels Like Obsession. Love Feels Like Partnership.
If you’re anxiously attached, your relationship might feel all-consuming. You overanalyze their every word, text, and action. You feel like you need to be perfect so they won’t leave. And you spend more time worrying about the relationship than actually enjoying it.
Love, on the other hand, feels stable and mutual. You don’t have to overthink every little thing because you trust that the connection is strong enough to hold. There’s no constant fear of abandonment, because you know you are safe, with or without them.
Are You Staying Because of Love Or Because You’re Afraid to Be Alone?
A lot of anxious partners stay in relationships not because they’re deeply in love, but because the idea of being without that person feels unbearable.
Ask yourself:
If I knew I’d find someone emotionally available, would I still want this relationship?
Do I love who they are, or do I love the moments when they finally give me what I need?
If your connection is driven more by fear, longing, and uncertainty than actual emotional fulfillment, you might be caught in an anxious attachment loop rather than true love.
How to Start Experiencing Real Love Instead of Anxious Attachment
The best way to stop confusing love with attachment anxiety is to strengthen your sense of self. The more you learn to validate, soothe, and support yourself, the less you’ll need to cling to someone else for emotional safety.
Healing anxious attachment isn’t about forcing yourself to stop caring, it’s about redirecting your energy toward a relationship that actually makes you feel loved. One where you don’t have to prove your worth or fight for scraps of attention.
P.S. If you’re ready to stop chasing emotionally unavailable people and start experiencing real, secure love, check out my master course, Anxious to Secure, a step-by-step guide to breaking free from anxious attachment and creating the relationship you deserve.