How Your Patterns Interact With Theirs & How to Start Change Within
Here is why your anxious-avoidant patterns a create constant push-pull dynamic, and what you can do to start changing within.
If you’re in an anxious-avoidant dynamic, it probably feels like you’re playing two completely different games.
You want closeness; they want space.
You chase connection; they retreat.
You express emotions; they shut down.
It’s exhausting, painful, and deeply frustrating. You might find yourself thinking, If only they would open up more… If only they could meet me halfway… If only they’d just realize I’m not trying to hurt them!
But here’s the thing: this isn’t just about them, it’s about the cycle you’re both stuck in. And if you want change, it starts with you.
How Your Patterns Feed Each Other
Anxious and avoidant partners trigger each other’s deepest fears. You both feel unsafe in the relationship, but for opposite reasons.
You fear abandonment. They fear losing their independence.
You try to get closer to feel safe. They create distance to feel safe.
The more you seek reassurance, the more they pull away. The more they pull away, the more desperate you feel.
This isn’t happening because one person is “right” and the other is “wrong.” It’s happening because you’re both stuck in a cycle of self-protection. Your pursuit makes them feel smothered, while their withdrawal makes you feel rejected, and both of you feel misunderstood, unseen, and emotionally exhausted.
So how do you break the cycle?
Small Shifts That Create Big Change
You don’t have to force yourself to stop caring or cut off your feelings. Instead, the key is shifting the way you show up in the dynamic. These small changes create space for a different outcome, one where you’re no longer feeding into the push-pull pattern.
1. Shift from “How do I get them to change?” to “How do I change the energy I bring?”
One of the biggest mistakes anxious partners make is focusing entirely on the avoidant’s behavior. Why don’t they text more? Why can’t they just reassure me?
But the more you focus on them, the more powerless you feel. Instead, shift the focus back to you: What energy am I bringing to the relationship? What would change if I stopped trying to control their reactions and started focusing on how I respond instead?
This doesn’t mean ignoring your needs. It means realizing that the only person you have control over is yourself. And when you shift how you show up, the dynamic has no choice but to change.
2. Pause before reacting to their distance
When an avoidant partner pulls away, your instinct is to close the gap immediately, to send another text, ask what’s wrong, or do something to pull them back in.
Instead, try this: pause. Before you reach out, take a breath. Before you let your emotions spiral, remind yourself: Their distance isn’t proof that I’m unlovable. It’s proof that this is their pattern.
Pausing before reacting interrupts the cycle. It gives you space to respond from a place of security instead of anxiety.
3. Stop over-explaining your needs
Anxious partners often believe that if they can just explain their feelings the right way, the avoidant will finally get it and change.
But avoidants don’t operate through emotional persuasion. In fact, long emotional discussions often make them feel more overwhelmed, not more connected.
Instead of over-explaining, try this small shift.
“I need you to text me more, or else I feel abandoned.” → “I love when we check in throughout the day. It makes me feel closer to you.”
Less pressure. Less intensity. More room for connection.
4. Build your own emotional safety, so you’re not relying on them for it
Avoidants fear being needed too much. If they sense that you rely on them for emotional regulation, they unconsciously feel pressure, even if you’re not demanding anything from them.
The best way to create more security in the dynamic? Strengthen your own sense of safety. Start small, for example, when you feel anxious, check in with yourself before reaching for them. Take a deep breath, journal, or do something soothing.
The less you depend on them for emotional safety, the less pressure they feel, which makes it more likely they’ll stay close instead of retreating.
5. Let go of the idea that this has to be a “perfect” relationship
A lot of anxious partners stay stuck in the cycle because they believe that if they just do everything right, the avoidant will finally change.
But relationships aren’t about fixing someone else, they’re about meeting each other where you are. Try this, ask yourself Am I willing to accept them as they are right now without waiting for them to change?
Not every anxious-avoidant dynamic has to end. But if the relationship is only surviving because you’re doing all the emotional labor, it might not be the right relationship for you.
Final thoughts: Change starts with you
You don’t have to wait for your partner to heal before you start feeling better. You don’t have to convince them to meet your needs before you start showing up for yourself.
The moment you shift your focus from getting them to change to changing the way you engage with the dynamic, everything starts to shift.
Maybe they feel safer coming closer. Maybe they don’t. Either way, you become more secure. And when you become more secure, you stop settling for love that feels like an emotional guessing game.
P.S. If you’ve been struggling to invest in yourself and just need a little nudge to finally show up for your healing, my master course Anxious to Secure is a great place to start. It walks you step by step into attachment security, helping you practice secure behaviours from day one.